News from Underground

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 2025
MORNING EDITION
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Testing of New Drug on Mice Begins

Doctors are thrilled, but patients' wallets aren't.

The FDA has approved the use and administration of a promising new medication for treating Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia.

Within the next several months, local mice and rats will begin to self-administer the new drug, at the reccomendation of their doctors following the approval.

Doctors and patients remain hopeful, but express concerns about pricing and delivery methods.

"I'm afraid to stab myself with a needle. I'm already an ill person", reported one patient.

Many, however, are prepared to bite the bullet. The promise of the beneifts of a steroid with none of the downside, for a cost.

This is a developing story.

Opinion: Are CEOs "People, Too"?

The investigation into blasted a REDACTED without guiltthat were previously unknown to the public. Sources close to the not guilty have confirmed that REDACTED letters of appreciation at the highest levels.

REDACTED chronic back pain, the operation began in 2019 and continued until authorities discovered the scheme through healthcareREDACTED

The documents obtained by our reporters indicate that millions of dollars REDACTED irresponsibly transferred to offshore accounts between October 7th The documents obtained bate thatApril 20The documents obtaineeporters indicate that.

Officials from the Department REDACTED allegations but an anonymous insider confirmed that multiple agencies REDACTED investigation.

The President has ordered a full review REDACTED security protocols following the breach. In a statement released yesterday, the administration promised transparency but critics argue that the response has been inadequate.

"Labubu" Takes Smski by Force

If it's the toys that we decide to pollute our personal spaces with that tell who we are, then I have only very recently learned who I am.

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Not a damn student is paying attention

Teachers Furious, No Appreciation Gift

Local teachers generated concern amongst their partners this morning, not-so-subtly dropping hints and sharing pictures of their performative collegues receiving gifts for Teacher Appreciation Week.

"Garcia's husband got her flowers", notes one teacher

Men are advised to get their shit together.

Local Girl Craves Sandwich Every Weekend

It's Saturday morning. She has worked all week. Is this honestly news?

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San Anotnio Man discovers websites

Reports earlier this week revealed a local man has been building his own websites instead of paying attention to his girlfriend.